'My Faust'

The visions came last night.  The visions of the fiery lakes and the fanged devils.  Deep in my heart they were born, and every day they grow to maturity, to chase me in the darkness of my dreams.  Years ago, before life had chipped away at my smile and all the truths of the world hadn't yet cut me to the bone, I had many dreams.  As any young man might, they seemed so easy to see, so within reach, but it's easy to see that most of them have just faded away.  Time chases them down and throws them aside for you, as each of us rush through our lives.  So many things hungered for, are only attainable by chasing them from the cradle, and who has the wisdom to know such things at that age?  I did not.  Sadly, I am still a young man.  Tragedy to already feel that so much of life has been lost to me.  So many dreams forfeited forever.  If only there was a way, some supernatural secret of the gods, that would allow us to know all paths and all ends before we trod.  It is so cruel to have to give up so much before realizing the mutual exclusiveness of all things.  Surely there must be something - some hope, so fulfillment, some desire, some passion, that can feed the soul through life.  As much as I've lost, I've known so much also, still I kneel, empty and weeping to beg the face of God for my happiness.  What does it amount to, and where does it end.  What is contentment?  How is it obtained?  Oh, how my soul is tormented, even by the very things I know would only do me harm, yet somehow I feel incomplete for not knowing them.  I do not understand - what does a man do when he begs at the gates of heaven for some kind of sustaining joy, yet longs so deeply he would make a deal with the devil for the same gratuity.  Is this what madness comes down to?  I so wish I understood.  I so wish another mortal existed who understood.  I refuse to believe I am utterly alone in these convictions, yet everyone I ask stare at me wishing they could know, but unable to see the depths at which I feel.  Happiness seems such a fleeting thing, so temporary and fragile and impossible to make permanent.  Never have I felt the hard fist of life striking me as I do tonight......